Perfectionism

I used to wear "perfectionist" like a badge of honour. I told myself it just meant I had high standards.

But perfectionism runs deeper than that. For me, it was the belief that my worth depended on being flawless. An impossible, ever-shifting idea of "perfect". Which meant I was always just one mistake away from feeling worthless.

When I was younger, I studied every evening and weekend, absolutely terrified of slipping up. Being top of the class gave me the validation I desperately craved, so I kept pushing. Achieving. Proving I was enough. Because deep down, I didn't believe I was.

It followed me into my career. And for a while, it worked. I looked successful on the outside. But inside: intense self-doubt, crippling anxiety, and eventually, I burned out. The very strategy I'd built to protect myself became the thing that hurt me most.

I see this pattern with many of the leaders I coach, too. Outwardly successful, but inside never feeling it's quite enough. So they keep pushing. And the bar keeps moving. Because "success" was never really what they were chasing after in the first place.

What's helped me is seeing the perfectionist drive for what it really is — a protection strategy that's outlived its usefulness and, ultimately, just keeps you trapped.

Once you see it, you start to recognise the repeating patterns in real time. You watch them play out in front of you. And, slowly, something begins to shift.

Although if you're anything like me, sometimes you'll still do it anyway.

But occasionally that recognition creates just enough space for you to pause and choose a behaviour that's kinder.

"It's ok, little Kev, I've got this."

I have to remind myself that it's a work in progress. And not to make healing another goal to achieve.